Thursday, March 27, 2014

Easy?




"I don't recall anyone ever saying that life is or would be easy; 
 if they said it, they were either delusional or they lied. "   ~C.J.


(Post by C.J. - please do not copy or use without permission)

Why I Dread Questions and Avoid Conversation...




"I learn something new every day.  And forget five other things forever." 

This quote is from a poster I saw recently and it is so true for me, except now I quickly forget the "new" thing as well!  Brain fog, along with short-term and long-term memory loss, is one of the most frustrating problems for me, especially when attempting to interact or carry on a conversation.  It's all related to my difficulty in keeping up with the flow of conversation and "information in" versus slowed integration and processing of information by my brain, speech difficulty and hesitation, word-finding difficulty, and not being able to remember what was just said.  It all stresses me out and it brings me further down when friends and loved ones give me that "look" and impatiently say things like "I just told you that!", "Oh, you have to remember her/him/that!", "How could you forget_ _ _?!", "You have to know that...you took that class!", etc. etc. etc.

I wonder how much of this is caused by the MS, thyroid disease, other autoimmune diseases, normal aging process, hormonal or chemical imbalances, unknowns???


I tell you these things, NOT because I'm looking for sympathy or pity; I'm simply trying to make you aware and help you to understand what's happening, why I am the way I am and do the things I do...


(copyright  Posts and photo by C.J. - please do not copy or use without permission) 

Friday, February 14, 2014

"One Year Anniversary"

Today IS a very special day...

One year ago today, on February 14, 2013...
I came face-to-face with the Heart of God...
And the reality of this quickly fleeting thing called Life.
The days leading up to that day were a blur...
But at this hour I was waiting...
And I realized just how little control I have...
Going through the formalities and paperwork...
Preparing to put my physical life in the hands of strangers...
I suddenly found a strange Peace come over me...
As I realized that HE had and always had
my fragile and sometimes crazy Life in His hands...
The One who spoke me into existence...
The One who knows my purpose...
The One who has always been by my side...
even the times I've felt totally alone...
The One who accepts, forgives, and loves ME...
I'm not saying that I wasn't still afraid...
But I felt His Love in the family who was by my side...
Through the thoughts and prayers of others who cared...
And when I was being prepped in the operating room
and I was so cold and in pain from complications
of the many attempts for them to insert an arterial line...
I felt His Love through the touch of the neurosurgeon
who, although I couldn't see, came up behind my head
while I was lying on the table, strapped down...
as he gently wiped my tears away and held my head in his hands...
and quietly said "It's okay"...and then told them to give me IV meds
to help me to sleep and to forget all the pain and anxiety...
His touch and his voice were the last things I remember
until after the many hours of surgery.


My God is amazing...
He loves me with an everlasting love...
And although it has been, and still is, a long healing process...
He shows me every day, in small and big ways...
how high, how wide, and how deep is His Love for me...
and I know that I belong to Him...
He has my Heart...
and I am filled with Love, and Awe, and Appreciation...
because I know that I know that I know...
He...Loves...Me. ~C.J.


(Post by C.J. - please do not copy or share without permission)
 

Monday, January 6, 2014

The Uncomfortable Silence...


Why do I so often choose to just sit on the sidelines and be non-communicative?  

I am tired of trying to "play the game"...because I can't keep up with the ever-changing "rules"...and because I find it difficult to make small talk about things that are of little consequence when the things that should be discussed and known and shared are "off-limits".  

Therefore, like the hushed silence of a new-fallen snow that blankets everything in sight, I remain silent...





(Post and photo by C.J. - please do not copy)

Saturday, September 21, 2013





On a cloudy morn, Moments before Sunrise (Saturday, September 21, 2013)...


"Even when we don't see it, just as the sky is bathed in glorious colors in the moments before Sunrise, so we are often gifted with undeserved blessings that we aren't even aware of..." ~C.J.


 (Post and photo by C.J. - please do not copy)