Tuesday, March 20, 2012

What? How?

Most folks in the "civilized" world are familiar with the objects in the above photograph.  And most people would not find the objects the least bit intimidating or frightening.  I've never had a problem with them...until yesterday.  You see, yesterday I was feeling a little "off" from the time I awoke and got out of bed.  I was a little unsteady on my feet, and I noticed I was having some difficulty keeping my thoughts together and I was having trouble making even the smallest decisions.  

After taking much longer than usual to make my bed, put a load of laundry in the washer, eat breakfast, and wash dishes, I knew I needed to get a shower and get dressed.  But I was a little leery of trying to stand long enough to finish my shower, so I decided it might be best if I just took a bath instead.  

Well, everything was going along okay and it actually felt good to soak for a few minutes after bathing.  The problem arose when I decided it was time for me to get out of the tub.  I sat and stared in front of me at those shiny silvery objects that are shown in the photograph....it seemed like it was for an hour, although it was perhaps only four or five minutes.  As I sat and  stared, I became a little frightened as well as frustrated...because I could not remember what I needed to do in order to drain the water from the tub.  

No, I haven't suffered a traumatic brain injury...no, I don't have Alzheimer's disease (as far as I know)...no, I didn't have a stroke, etc.  I was having an acute attack of my brain "short-circuiting", something that happens to me fairly frequently as a result of having MS (multiple sclerosis).  These particular episodes usually don't last very long, but I do have some permanent long-term as well as some short-term memory loss.  The attacks can occur at any time, but tend to be more frequent if I am fatigued, emotionally or mentally stressed, too hot, too cold, or have any type of illness going on.  This is just one of the many symptoms I have with this cursed disease.  

Why am I telling you this?  Because I want to help you understand what is happening to me...why I am constantly keeping lists or a journal, why I sometimes seem to be staring blankly into space, why it sometimes takes me longer than you think it should to answer a question or complete a simple task, why I say "no" or "not now", or "I can't" a lot more often than I used to.  On the outside I may look "fine", but on the inside I am often a "tangled mess of misfirings and disconnected electrical impulses".

So, if you can accept me as I am with all the changes that are now happening and doubtless will continue to take place (unless there is a miraculous cure), I welcome you into my life.  If not...if it frightens you or it's too much for you to bother with or handle...then you will probably become suddenly silent, quickly disappear, walk out, or just slowly back away as many others have already done.  Either way, I thank you for listening to me. 

( © Post and photo by C.J. - please do not copy)